2019…Fire and Rain
I grew up falling asleep to James Taylor playing on the stereo. Every night. His lyrics ring in my ears constantly, even 45 years later and often seem to be made for my life. 2019 was no different.
‘I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought I would see you…again.’
Seems like the whole year could be summarized by those few lines, especially with the grief I experienced in 2018, but it wasn’t all bad. In fact, it was exactly that grief that created an opportunity to create something new. Despair is like that. It can break you down so much that the only option left, is to start to rebuild. And so I did.
By the time 2019 arrived, I questioned all that I knew about myself. Who I was as a mother, sister, parent, friend, companion, lover, co-worker…to name a few. I began to look deeply at myself and my life, right where it had fallen. On its’ side. Rather than picking it up and rearranging it to fit my beliefs, I decided I would leave it on its’ side and see if I could recreate my thoughts about who I was. I figured it might be the only way to create a new perspective.
‘Of bad things, good things come.’
I believe that. My mom instilled that in me and I have always believed it. Believing in that helped me to get through the tough times actually.
And so, I spent 2019 scouring the halls of my life, my being, and those I loved and what I saw was that much of what I did externally, was not always in sync with who I was internally. I was a bit unclear how I got so out of alignment, but was beginning to see that loss, sometimes from death and sometimes not, had that power.
But we are human. It is so important to remember that. We are all human and all just doing the best we can.
There were a few people in my life that fit the phrase, “I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought I’d see you again.” Yet after much soul searching, my life began to shift. It didn’t change, but what changed was how I saw it, interpreted it and related to it. That completely changed. And once my perspective made a dramatic shift, it did feel as though my life had changed.
On the other side of darkness…is light.
And it was a blinding light for me. A light that offered such brightness and warmth that it felt too good to be true. Light that brought the people I have loved most in my life, back into the swell of my heart, right where they belonged.
2019. There sure was some fire and rain. But the rain was kind of refreshing for the first time ever and made the sunshine that I thought would never end, that much better.