Suspension of Disbelief & Joy. COVID-19
I am a person that needs to check boxes.
That’s why as we round the corner on week three of social distancing, I feel profoundly relieved and almost joyful. That may seem shocking, but let me clarify that most of the joy comes from knowing our family has survived another COVID-19 week. And if we survived it, then I can check this week off as completed successfully. I need to check boxes. It’s part of my process, reminds me that I have been productive and creates a sense that I am still in charge. Of something. And right now, being in charge of any one thing does create relief.
Apparently I am not alone.
Clients this week have reported feeling unusually calm, happy to be home, and grateful, no matter how challenging the environment at home currently is.
They must not know how serious this is.
That isn’t actually true. These are not people having giant spring break parties at the beach, these are well respected professionals who have literally been on self-quarantine for three weeks. These are people ordering from the stores and only going out to walk the neighborhood. These are the people not bringing the Amazon boxes into their homes until emptied. They do get it, they just aren’t experiencing the panic and instead are actually fearful they are confusing this pandemic with a staycation of sorts. I mean, how else would this register as fun?
I relate to this on so many levels.
I have noticed that some events seem impossible to fully grasp. And that while you comprehend the situation at hand, it manages to linger in the air, rather than settling into your body. Even when you can get your body to respond appropriately, (like staying inside and washing your hands) your thoughts around it seem to lag behind.
This occurred for me when my mom passed away after a 2-year battle with cancer. I was instantly devastated and shocked at losing her even though clearly I knew it was coming. It was as if she suddenly vanished. The thinking part of my brain that tried to comprehend this news, could not be heard over my feeling brain that was receiving it as TMI (too much information). And just like that, something switched.
Suspension of Disbelief. It isn’t that our brain refuses to believe what is so, its just that it believes two inconsistent things.
I felt as if I had run out of feelings or tears. I was blank. No matter how much I journaled or shared about it, I couldn’t fully grasp it…I was not in denial. Not exactly. In fact, several years later I have had appropriate ups and downs in the space of her missing and still miss her desperately. Yet while I experience moments of clarity about not being able to be with her, my brain still doesn’t fully comprehend it. And I feel grateful for that. Not grateful for the loss, but for the willing suspension of disbelief that has become a helpful defense mechanism. In other words, I know she is not really here, yet by having ‘poetic faith’ that part of her is with me always, I can experience daily joy, even without her here. And that joy, feels as joyful at times as when she was here, so I choose to stay in that moment, regardless of what else is surrounding that truth.
I actually believe it helped me grieve peacefully over a period of time, rather than all at once.
It is similar to what some of you may be experiencing right now. A seemingly inappropriate sense of joy. But what if it is not only appropriate, but an opportunity for joy that you could not experience without the suspension of disbelief. Maybe having your grown kids home for dinner every night, your little ones sleeping in until they’re rested, your spouse home with you for lunches and family time and even your morning commute disappearing is just the gift you have needed for quite some time and have now been given…
Maybe what you are feeling in the midst of this pandemic IS joy.
Instead of trying to deny it, lean in. Be grateful that you are able to disconnect from the pandemic long enough to enjoy these simple pleasures. Maybe even check it off your list as todays’ success.