If only the LAST one…came with a warning label

A warning label. You know…something that forewarned us about what was going to be next. Like the label on your shirt that says, wash in cold water to avoid shrinking. Or the label on the screen window that says, will not stop a small child from falling out. Or a simple one like, wrong way…

Okay, so maybe those labels seem to warn about the obvious, but there are places in my life that I could have used a few helpful warning labels. Actually a handful of warning labels handed to me on the day I gave birth to my children, would have been perfect. Not warning labels about what I should watch out for, because there is something grand about the element of surprise…like the first day they learn to walk or ride down the street on their bike…but a warning label that would identify the last of things.

Rounding the corner of high school senior year, I found myself walking slowly to each event, in hopes of elongating the getting there part, so the actual event ending, would be further away as well. I found myself questioning if this was the last.

Some were obvious.

The last final, the last game, the last prom, the last day of high school. We can mark those on the calendar well in advance and then plan for them accordingly, even marking the days as we go. We can come prepared mentally as we charge the batteries on the video camera, and the regular camera, wear some waterproof mascara, invite family and friends to witness the excitement and even create a celebration around it. We can drag it out and watch it again, if we know it is coming.

But what about those other lasts? The ones that were actually the ‘last’ but you didn’t know…because there were no warning labels. Maybe I could have planned better with more preparation, or celebration or at least savored it a little longer…if only I had known. I wish I could even remember the last time his hand slipped from my grip. I wonder what I was thinking. Was it me that pulled my hand from his? Was he heading off somewhere or were we just trying to be separate? I wonder what I would have done differently if I had known it was going to be the last time…would I have held on longer?

How about the last time he said, ‘hey mom…look at me!’ I can’t remember when the last time was, but I can still hear his little voice so vividly. His yearning for me to share his moment, his act, his life. When was that? It’s so long ago it feels like a different lifetime.

And it occurs to me like, what made the last time, the last time?

Was I not paying attention? Did I look uninterested? Or was it just time for him to find others to watch him in his life.

I wish there were more warning labels: last hug in public, last time for date night at the movies, last time racing me across the pool, last time wanting me to sit and watch him practice, the last time he smiled at me and still thought I was cool…Maybe I wouldn’t have done anything different even with the warning. Maybe I would have simply nodded and understood it was time. But I sure began walking slowly to the field, happy to share his moment, his act, his life…even without him saying, ‘hey mom…look at me!’

Perhaps it’s good that there are no warning labels, because I can hear my little voice now begging, no…please….not yet. I’m not ready for this to be the last one yet. Are we ever ready for the last one?

Today, the day after my son’s last day of college, I know for sure I would not have wanted half of the warning labels I could have been handed. I don’t think I would have survived.

I can see it now. Someone slipping me a card one day that says, keep your phone on, there will be some late night crashes. Or one that read, I know he said he doesn’t believe in peer pressure, but college will prove otherwise. Or the one in bold that said, those coaches aren’t actually going to look after him. I feel dizzy now just thinking about it. And that was with experiencing them in real time.

But I can only imagine what I would have done with these little warnings. Trying to plan ways to stop things from happening. Spending hours on the phone calling anyone and everyone to keep an eye out. I can imagine my embellished sense of responsibility to save him from the cliff up ahead. Running and running, exasperated, depleted, out of breathe, only to find I was really standing still. Not getting anywhere. Simply stuck in time sick with worry about how I would save my beautiful child.

I can imagine how my life would have been, because I know how my life was, even without the warnings. Some things, a lot of things actually, are better off not knowing in advance. It would have been crippled me. I mean, ultimately it did just that anyway. But it would have done it way in advance with a gag over my mouth and my hands tied behind my back. I would have been even less resourceful than I ultimately was.

I would have preferred a warning label that said, Strap your seatbelt mama…it’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but it will all be okay.

Not knowing, allowed me to stay grounded and present, in the best way I could. Most of the time. And it was still torture. Not knowing in advance that there would be unanswered calls, texts and endless days of unknown. But I see now that knowing would not have prevented one thing. It was still going to go just as it had. Perhaps I could have altered one path and prevented some destruction. But then what? Altering one path, would lead to other paths he may not have planned on traveling…which could have lead to even more chaos that he was previously never going to see.

You know what I say, if you change one thing, it can change everything. Sometimes, it isn’t our favor. Sometimes we need to let life roll out just as is.

Not knowing in advance, gave me the opportunity to live my life with hope and a whole lot of faith that life would go as planned. Whatever that plan was. And that I would be present to whatever I was supposed to be present to just at that right time. Even though there are so many times we find out just a minute too late. That’s just how life is. Most of it the scary parts are out of our control…we can either accept life as it is, or beg for it to be different, but it will still go how it goes.

So the next time you think you just want to know how this story ends, take a break. Read a book. Go for a walk. Maybe even lie down. But let then let it go, because the best way to enjoy life is to simply stay present. Inhaling the good and exhaling the rest.