Giving up the Game of Guilt
If the ultimate goal of this game called life, is truly about having balance, success and joy in a meaningful way, then some less obvious things need to be addressed. What are your complaints? What drives you crazy in a way that keeps you from being productive? What do you want most when you are exhausted and can’t think straight?
The world becomes lighter, when we learn to only carry our own emotions.
When you can get to that, we can begin to create change. Wishing on that shooting star is fun, but it is the real planning that will alter your life.
“To live a life of dreams, with no plans on how to reach them…is not like living at all, but more like sleeping.”
Unfortunately, many of you out there are just desperate for some real sleep, so maybe this sounds dreamy. Yet when you wake each morning, unrested…again…you are back to the grind and disappointment at the end of another day.
One of our biggest demons that keeps us from having the life we want, the way we want it, is guilt. It’s ridiculous really, but I hear it all the time.
“I know I should just do the right thing, but I feel so guilty.”
We feel guilty. Often. Even when we don’t want to admit it, we are feeling guilty. And even when we do admit it, and know it doesn’t really make sense, we still carry on and do whatever we have to, to avoid feeling the guilt.
Yeah, but…he is my friend, and he’s going to be upset.
Yeah, but…even though he isn’t doing his job well, he is such a nice guy.
Yeah, but…how can I do that? That’s my son? (My spouse, my sister, brother, etc!)
You might be thinking, what’s the harm in a little guilt? It’s how we show compassion. It’s just us caring about how others feel…
Well, sort of. I mean, that is where it comes from. We feel and care deeply about others, which I think is very important in the area of relationships. But how we feel and care isn’t an actual problem at all. The problem is that we alter the decisions we know we need to make, based on how someone else might or might not feel about it. You do know what I am talking about. We have all done it at one time or another. As a matter of fact, sometimes every single decision you make is completely dependent upon how someone else just might react to it. And how do we even know how they will react in advance?
Certainly we don’t want to do anything that will upset someone else. That would be really uncomfortable. Fine if I’m uncomfortable, but I don’t want to do that to anyone else. No thank you.
I can feel you nodding your head in agreement. You know how strong you are and what you are able to manage. You not only know it but would rather be the one harboring the upset, than someone else. Period. But just as a ballpark number, how many times have you not done something because you knew someone else would be upset about it?
I’m not talking about all the times we have said things and people got upset. I am just talking about all of the conversations you did not have, in hopes of sparing someone else’s feelings?
The day you chose to secretly reprint all the documents because you couldn’t bare to let the secretary know she had printed them out incorrectly. The week you spent cleaning your 20-something’s room because you couldn’t bare to ask him to clean up when he already looked like he was on the edge. The time you gave your sister money (again) even though you couldn’t really afford it. The year you couldn’t confront your sales director about his management style even though his direct reports were putting in their notice to leave. Or those times where you took it upon yourself to do all the tedious jobs in the office, because you couldn’t bare to have anyone else have to do such tedious work?
Here’s the thing. I understand why you do what you do. And also, I understand why you think you do what you do. But I am not certain you know there is a difference, but there is.
You do it, because it feels easier. It feels easier to just do things yourself, rather than asking someone else because you would rather harbor resentment, than have to deal with feeling guilty that you caused someone else to feel a certain way. That’s a lot!
While I understand your feelings around that, as well as your theory, it’s not true or helpful. I mean, it is true that you could do it all yourself and avoid a certain situation. However, we can’t guarantee you are even avoiding a situation. And what’s worse, is that the situation you are desperately trying to avoid, may be in fact just what needs to happen next.
Consequences are a natural part of life. We think of them as disappointing, like a punishment of some sort. But that isn’t what a consequence is…it’s merely a result of something that has occurred.
Consequence: a result or effect of an action or condition.
Instruct your son to put bananas, peanut butter and milk in a blender, cover, and blend and they will have a delicious shake (as a consequence). Gift your one year old with a walker, entice them to move forward and they will walk (as a consequence). Teach someone how to play the guitar, and they will make music (as a consequence).
Seems simple. Yet you have learned to turn simple, caring acts, into fears about the other possible consequences. The things that could go wrong.
What happens if my son forgets to put the lid on the blender? The consequence will be that food is all over the kitchen, which he will have to clean up and then possibly be late for work. That could happen. It even might happen more than once. However, it might never happen at all. But so what if it did happen just that way? Maybe after the first time, it would never be forgotten again. Maybe after that, he will decide that this is the perfect solution to getting a quick and healthy breakfast!
Maybe…but they will never know if you don’t give them the opportunity.
Because in fact, by trying to avoid them having a negative consequence, you rob them of the opportunity to have a positive consequence. How can anyone possibly grow from where they are, without opportunities for growth?
Give your child a walker and entice them to move forward. Yea but, they might fall. Actually, I will go one step further and state, they will no doubt fall. But imagine if we insisted that every child be carried, for fear of them falling? That would be ridiculous of course. But it would give you just what you want…to not have to face the uncomfortableness you may feel when they fail.
It’s a dangerous game of guilt we play when it comes to others. Pretending that it would be best if we took care of everything that makes us feel uncomfortable.
Holding onto an employee that continues to lose clients, only because you can’t bear to see him upset, says less about him and much more about you. What are you really afraid of? Are you fearful of how he/she will respond? Perhaps you can refocus and consider why you think you are responsible for how others feel.
People should be allowed to feel how they feel. Period. Just like you. You can feel how you feel…nervous, worried, angry…and then still go do what you need to do. The added acknowledgement that you feel guilty is just a distraction or even an excuse for you to keep doing what you are doing.
Allow yourself to feel.
Let’s look at the example of the employee’s lack of performance. Perhaps your guilt is simply you feeling uncomfortable about someone else’s struggle. We can just acknowledge that. We don’t have to feel guilt about it, we can simply empathize with it. But what if when you reveal your concerns aloud, they decide to turn their struggle into their strength? Or, What if that makes them realize this is not the right career for them at all? Either way, the consequence of your honesty, regardless of how it makes you feel, creates an opportunity for them to grow in one way or the other. And yet, by you withholding the truth, you will both continue to struggle.
It is something to think about: Just because you can do everything does not mean you should. Others deserve a life of responsibility and possibility as well. And you will be amazed at how light you feel, when you are only carrying your own emotions, rather the weight of the worlds’.