On the Inside of Happy
Here is the thing about being happy. We are pretty sure that being happy is dependent upon what is going on around us. The people, the things, the chaos, blended in with the celebrations that life offers. On top of that, feeling satisfied in our lives then becomes dependent upon how happy we are, which is obviously dependent upon all those other things I just mentioned. It’s no wonder most people have a difficult time just feeling content and happy. It’s also no wonder that much of our lives are spent in this state of uncomfortableness, just waiting for that happy feeling to arrive again.
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What will it take to be able to access happiness, no matter what is going on around you?
I mean, how can I be enthusiastic about anything, when I don’t feel happy? When the only time I feel truly enthusiastic and energized is when I am genuinely happy…
Well. I suppose I could just sit here and wait it out. It will come back around, and when it does, surely I will feel revived and can get back to living just the way I want and need to, right?
Sound like something you can relate to? I definitely can. For many years I was under the notion that this was fact. That sometimes life was simply a bad deck of cards, and you had every right to crumble into the earth and wait until it passed. Because it does eventually, right? We sure hope so anyway.
The problem is. Well, there are so many problems with this that it’s more like, where on earth should we begin? Because it is not just about being happy or not. That’s like the phrase, to be or not to be. Like what exactly do you mean? Is the act of being, optional? I mean, you could be present in each moment, or not, but you’re still being, in either scenario. It’s just that you have the option of how you want to be in each moment. Even if often it does not feel like an option at all.
Happiness as a way of traveling is like that as well. There is an actual choice, but often not how it feels in that moment. That’s probably the perfect place to start since that’s what’s keeping you from having the life you want.
Our disposition, the way we feel on a day-to-day basis, inside, has the power to control the way we live our life. And if we constantly throw our hands in the air about this day! Or this week! We become powerless in the way feel and live, as if there is nothing we can do about it. But what if we are not exactly correct about that? What if we could learn to access feeling happy, regardless of what is going on around us?
Try to imagine for a minute how different your life would be if that were possible…what’s going through your mind? Are you overwhelmed by the constant state of affairs beyond your control? Wondering how you will make those stop?
Here is the short answer: you won’t. We just can’t make the things we don’t like, simply stop. I mean, eventually, on their own, with some support, but it is rarely because of us. The truth is that if we give things enough time and space, eventually they do alter. Yet what we need to understand is how to control the things we can, not what we can’t.
Happy, is one of them.
In order to take back the reigns on being happy, the first thing to practice is compartmentalizing.
When we compartmentalize, we can separate that from this and them from us. It’s about creating space in between the problem or thing and you. The reason this simple technique works is because currently your brain believes that what is going on around you is linked to you. Yet it isn’t. Even when it sure does feel like it.
Feeling skeptical? I get it. I know you want to give me some really bad scenarios so I can be proven wrong, but even with those, there is still the possibility to create space.
Having said that, I also am a believer in feeling all the feels you feel. And some days, it may be completely relevant to take some time to feel what you feel. Feeling grief, disappointment, or frustration about something that matters to you dramatically…maybe need a little time and space. It may need some personal TLC. Maybe you take a half day at work and go to the movies on your own. Maybe you crawl under the covers and watch a movie. Maybe you just sit on the couch, and read a book for a few hours. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in being able to create this well-needed space. It allows us to be present and still grow through what we go through.
Then, we can create separation. Within that small space, between you and that, acknowledge something in your life that is simply joyful. Some simple joy that cannot be denied. Maybe your son that recently married, the co-worker that thanked you for all the help you have given them, the flowers growing in your yard that make you feel hopeful about spring. Anything will do as long as it brings a smile to your face. It won’t take away from that upset on your mind, but if you work at compartmentalizing, you will find that the distraction leaves you in a more powerful emotional space.
Yes, I know it’s hard. But not really much harder than what you are doing right now. This constant weight of the world around, sucking you into that dark hole, keeping you from the life you want, and the way you want to feel…that is much harder. So much harder.
Maybe at this point you wish you could yell through the screen and tell me about the impossible thing going on that does not allow for any joy. Well, you can definitely reach out to me…maybe I can offer a new perspective on that too. But for now, I can leave you with a scenario I think is pretty tough, even though technically it is not mine. Another cancer diagnosis in my family. As if losing my mom to cancer was not enough, this time it is my dad. And in pure family fashion, it is and yet, another one without a cure. This, is one of those things that many people can relate to and certainly has the power to take us out…whether you are the one with the cancer, or one that loves the one with the cancer.
But not my dad. He is the most energetic, spunky and vivacious 83-year-old you may come to meet. He hasn’t lost his sense of humor, still makes friends everywhere we go, still hits the streets running with his brand new sneakers and still…when you ask, How’s your day going, Pop? He answers the same as he always has: Another great day in paradise!
So what’s a daughter to do with that? Give excuses why it makes sense for me to be sad? I mean…I can think of about 1000 reasons off the tip of my tongue why this will and should affect my ability to be happy. Unless of course I can find the space between me and it and then stand in place of gratitude. The space between this horrible disease and my happiness. The space that allows me to enjoy my dad and his life while it is still wildly right in front of me to enjoy.
And so I make a choice, every hour or so, to do just that, because there are clearly so many things to be grateful for. So many things that make me smile. So many reasons why accessing happy, will leave me with the most enthusiastic and joyful today possible.
What’s your plan for today? How will you access the inside of happy?