It’s Not Me. It’s THEM.
I’m not the one that needs a perspective shift. I’m actually not the one that needs to change at all. Let’s just put it out there. Let’s say what we know is true. They’re the ones that need to change. Their minds, their lives, the way they operate. I’m actually fine. I am doing just fine. Doing the next right thing over and over again. Truth is that my life would be perfect, if only all of them could do things differently. You know, how I do it.
It’s not me. It’s them.
Can you hear me? Let’s try on a new perspective.
I’m just speaking the words you are thinking. I know this cryptic thinking we get into. I know it, because even as committed as I am to living in a more authentic, happy and productive way, there are moments, well, that I am less resourceful. And in those moments, I go to those same places you do. It’s not me. It’s THEM!
Don’t tune me out yet. I am not going to try and change your mind about this. I am not even going to say it actually is you. Although, there are times, there could be some truth to this, it is not helpful to stand in either of those spots for very long. Casting blame does not actually make these situations any easier, especially when you can see clearly that this chaos is not your fault. I mean, even if you are certain of that, does it make you feel better? Does all the thinking and overthinking suddenly go away? Do you feel happy and peaceful? Ready to get back to work with a clear conscience with a focused and open mind? Or do you find that your mind is still reeling?
Maybe something like this…
I can’t believe someone would do that. They have some nerve behaving like that in public, speaking to me in such a disrespectful way. Or maybe it’s…I can’t believe they have the nerve to completely ignore me? Not responding to any of my communication, dismissing opportunities to talk this through…
Can you relate? Most of us can relate to this. We are human after all. And you might be thinking, what’s the harm in all of our quiet ranting, even if a bit of it leaks aloud? We are just trying to clear it out, right?
Actually, that hasn’t been my experience. Not with myself, nor with friends, family and/or clients. This negative self talk, questioning ourselves and others is a constant barrier that blocks us from doing the next right thing. It keeps us awake at night. It keeps us from being productive at work. And it creates possible underlying tension that at some point will bubble over…often onto someone that had nothing to do with the upset in the first place.
What do you do with those feelings and thoughts? You may feel frustrated and angry yet unable to voice your upset with the appropriate person, due to a particular situation. Perhaps a colleague, business prospect, a supervisor or even a someone in your circle, but not really. Do you do the next right thing, and hold it together? Maybe you choose to walk away. Maybe you listen intently but stay silent. Maybe you are just left staring at an empty computer screen.
Do you call anyone who will listen? Do you overload your spouse or friends venting your anger and frustration? Do you begin leaving voicemails? Long winded emails? What is your go-to?
Whatever you are used to doing, you know as well as I do that it doesn’t help. In many cases, we often make the situation even worse. Hurt people, hurt people, so this cycle can go on endlessly. And what we end up seeing continuously is that we can’t even make them behave any differently. We literally cannot talk reason into unreasonable people or situations. And we cannot change people. People have to want to change, in order for change to occur.
And that, my friend is where you come in. This is your why…just took a while to get there. We must begin with us. We need to create an intention around what it is that we want. Personally, whenever I sit back and look deeply at my intention, it is the same. I want peace of mind. I want a clear mind that allows me to enjoy whatever or whoever is in front of me, as well as the space for me to focus on what I want, not what I do not want.
No email response? No problem. Silence does not have a meaning. It is just silence. People around you saying outrageous and untrue things? No problem. Choose to listen or not, but whatever you do, do not take it with you.
It is so important to refocus every single time you feel rattled in mind, body or spirit. Plant your feet. Assess the situation once you are removed from it. Declare what is true. Just the facts, Jack, as my dad says. Then settle in and decide what you need most. Do you need to be right? Or just, alright?
For me, in the trickiest of situations where I want to literally yell from the rooftops and make a correction, just to set the record straight, I choose (on repeat) to be alright. And for me, being alright, means not getting in the weeds with any crazy-making because I have done that too…and it only makes myself feel just as crazy as they appear to me. And that is clearly the opposite of what I am seeking in my life.
So let’s get back to you. If you are truly doing the next right thing, then you might be right…you don’t need to change. Yet if you want to take the reigns back on an authentically happy, balanced and successful life, then try on a perspective shift that gives you the power to do so. Create your intention. Then lean in. You will be amazed to see that after that declaration, all the other voices will get much quieter. Just quiet enough to only focus on your own.