Empty spaces. I used to count the empty spaces. A continuous checklist of who wasn’t here. Analyzing and over analyzing the reasons given and wondered who just didn’t want to be here. Or rather, who didn’t pick me, who else would feel not chosen, and how I would smooth out everyone else’s feeling around this madness in my mind. Was that ever my job or just an over embellished sense of self that I could make others feel better?

My mom had some one-liners that are deeply embedded in who I am today. All of them having some significant impact.

“You can’t see around corners.” She would say kindly. And even though it was the farthest thing away from what I was thinking in that moment, I found relief every time her words gently hit the air. In general, she had a sweet and loving mama voice, but I was most aware of it when she said something simple and thought-provoking. Something I needed to hear. Even still, deep in the depths of my grief.

But if we seek, we shall find…