If it’s out of your Hands, it Deserves Freedom from your Mind as Well.
Letting go takes lots of practice. Keep at it!
This seems so obvious that every time I read it, I literally want to roll my eyes. Like, hello? Yes! Why would I continue to carry things around day in and day out when I have zero ability to control it? And how can I possibly think straight about the things I CAN control when I am holding space for the things I CAN’T?
I find this topic so interesting in terms of our ability to hold space and become consumed with the things that are not even ours to hold. I find it fascinating because, like I said, when I reread this quote, it seemed obvious. Yet in the depths of the night, when I’m trying to sleep, or in the middle of my workday when I’m having difficulty focusing, I can’t rationalize the truth of it at all.
So, what is it?
Am I seeking some solution to a mystery that has no answer? Am I questioning whether I can control something? Do I want to believe I have some control in areas that I don’t…just to feel heroic? Sometimes I am not sure. What I know is that when a topic arrives, I am can tell if it is something in my control. You know, like no, this is not mine, I am going to keep my hands off. Or, yeah, I could see how I could be helpful in this area and will see what I can do.
It’s everything after that that becomes slippery. Like a water balloon covered in slime…I got it, no I don’t. Wait, I got it! Nope.
There is a fleeting feeling of being in control and then out of control within minutes of each other. “The mind is a dark and dangerous place, don’t go there alone.”
I love that quote. It completely describes what is going through my brain once my sleep has been disturbed. I feel myself pulled to the darkness of each corner. I can feel myself crawling around unknowingly, trying to get a handle on every crack and crevice of the day. I can feel myself wanting to quickly scoop up all the things that I previously declared not mine, filling my arms beyond capacity. The yearning to regain controls on things I can’t control. Things that I have already declared are not mine to control. Things that I have willed away and committed to letting go.
Suddenly alone at night in the darkness of my mind, I secretly want to pull it all back in and battle it again.
Maybe I can help. Maybe I can make this stop. Maybe even though no one is asking for my help, they really want it. Maybe I can just do it in a subtle and quiet way, so they don’t even know I am helping.
I know it is sheer madness as my words hit the air right now, but it is the truth of what occurs. I am sure that as you are thinking about it right now, it doesn’t fall on deaf ears. We know the value in being able to let those things go and know it is not the why that gets us twisted up on most days. Although some days I do toss that around as well. But instead, the biggest challenge is ‘How’?
I am not a psychologist nor therapist by any means, yet I do have a minor in Psychology, and life work as a Performance Coach that has helped me gain some useful tools that really work. Tools that don’t eliminate this way of thinking but lessen the time spent in the dark corners of my mind. Tools that allow me to live in a space of joy in my life as much as possible. Tools that are handy and ready to straighten things out. You know what I mean.
Before you gather the toolbox, know that changing your own commentary is challenging! But with consistency, support, and some rituals, you will begin to see that it works. It will lighten the burden. And that is exactly what we need.
Convincing ourselves to think differently reminds me of when my boys were little, and Time-Out was the appropriate consequence. I can remember so vividly thinking, how will this work? I am going to tell him to go to his room for 10 minutes to be quiet and am not going to lock, barricade the door or tie him to the bed post?
I remember thinking, who thought of this and who were the other people that agreed it would work? Did they not have a 3-year-old that could open their door, walk down the stairs on their own accord or have a tiny, loud voice screaming NO?
Yet I also remember the most powerful piece of advice I was given. Just have the confidence that it will work, even when it isn’t and don’t give up. Keep at it every single time, like this is the time it will work. And that is what did it. Not because I would scream like a lunatic, or instill fear in them, but because I had faith that if I didn’t give up, we would eventually have reasonable boundaries in our relationship.
Reasonable boundaries in our relationship…now that was my end game. That was my why! I craved that.
What is your why? Could you use some easy access to a clear mind? Ok, then let’s start there!
Here are 4 ways to release those perseverating thoughts.
Understand the difference between what is yours, and what is not.
Create visuals to alter the way you think.
Design a toolbox.
First, we must acknowledge what is or is not yours. I couldn’t possibly go through a list of things that are yours or not, but a simple checklist can help! Look at the situation going through your mind and acknowledge who is involved. Who are the people in this situation? Then ask yourself if they are capable or incapable of managing this.
Don’t let your mind play tricks on you though. When we see others struggling, especially people we love, we often want to believe that they need us. That they won’t be able to get through this without our help. But that is our work…we can support people we love by listening and showing up, but the way we are most helpful is by not robbing them of the opportunity to resolve the issue on their own.
Then it becomes your turn to let go and turn off the volume button deep inside your head.
Creating visuals helps tremendously. When my mind is spinning around and around, the way my phone does when I’m not connected to Wi-Fi, instead of growing impatient with myself, I channel a feeling of calm. I do this is by forcing my body into feelings of calmness and have faith that my brain will follow.
Once you have declared (again) that this is not yours and need to release it from your mind, inhale deeply through your nose, holding it as long as you can at the top, then release it just as slowly. As you do this, also release your shoulders, allowing them to sink into your body. That will be the first clue to your brain that you are feeling calm.
Next, decide what you can do with all those feelings you are about to release. For me, I like to box them up. I imagine taking one last sweep through the dark corners of my brain and packing them into a box. Once they are all in there, I put the lid on and imagine putting them into my closet and shutting the door. That last act of closing the door reminds me that I no longer need to carry them. You can try that one, or create a visual of your own, but make sure it is something easy to access when you are not feeling resourceful.
The last tool I highly promote is support from others. Unfortunately, even this isn’t simple. Often, we want to recruit the support of others who will side with us. We specifically look to our favorite person that will go right into the rabbit hole with you. The one who will get on your bandwagon, listen to your swan song, and sing it back even louder. The one who will make you feel empowered by your yearning to hang onto things that are not yours in the first place. Unfortunately, this does the opposite of what you need to do to truly release it from your hands and minds.
Instead, find a friend or support that will allow you to start a conversation like this: “Listen, I want to share something that has been bothering me. I don’t need you to fix it, I just need you to listen. My hope is that if I can say it aloud, I will be able to let it go.”
You will be amazed to see that when you can share with intention, it will go just as planned.
And finally, if it is out of your hands, it does deserve freedom from your mind…and you have the power to do just that. But much like time-outs with your little ones, it will take some intention, persistence, and a desire to have more joy in your life.