I Actually DO Care, it’s Just That I Don’t Mind.
Lately I have been taking some time to focus on what’s important. And I’ve noticed that in order to decipher what is important, I had to also figure out what isn’t. This assignment I gave myself was not as easy as I thought it would be. I mean, how do we decide what is important? And then when we decide, doesn’t it change depending on the day, how we are feeling, who we are influenced by, what others around us are doing or saying? Or are there things that we just care about…all the time…making it seem important?
You do you. I’ll do me.
I have been spending some time on this topic for two reasons:
The first one is that as I child I often heard adults around me say, ‘if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.’ I will be honest here. I don’t have hate in my heart, but this line, especially given the source that used to say it, drove me crazy. I did hate it. It felt like a justification for not caring about the things I thought were important, like just showing up. Which was challenging for this particular adult.
Yet as I begin to pull this apart a bit, dissect the idea of not caring, I begin to wonder if that wasn’t what was going on at all.
Which leads me to the second reason I have been stuck on this topic.
If you scroll social media long enough, you will find platforms of people ranting about how they don’t give a f-bomb about what other people think. At first glance, you might think that is similar to someone saying they simply don’t mind. It’s even possible that’s what they think they’re doing. But maybe it’s the opposite?
I can’t be sure, but I can share a perspective that has shifted quite a bit for me in the past few decades. It just might be a perspective you can also relate to.
My original default button and quiet commentary for years was simple: ‘I don’t give a flying (you know what).’ Yet I can tell you that every time I have been there, one thing was certain: I was angry, fed up and sick and tired of the judgements of others. I had had enough.
At the time, I don’t care was my way of declaring that I wasn’t going to let it get to me anymore. It, meaning the voices of others. The friends or strangers that openly shared their judgement on the things I did in my life. It was my way of saying I am in charge of my life. It was my way of setting myself free from the feeling that I had to conform to what made others comfortable. It was about me trying to take a stand on feeling free, even when I didn’t feel free at all. It was my way of attempting to not care.
The problem was that I did care. I definitely cared. I hated the idea that people didn’t agree with my life choices, even though it was none of their business. I hated the thought that people were gathering to talk about me, without being able to defend myself (which may or not have even been true). I cared at the time because I made a million decisions based on the comfort level of others. In fact, I am pretty sure I spent more time caring about what others thought, than what I thought.
It wasn’t a selfless act though. It was actually a lack of self care and awareness of what I needed.
Now, at the corner of midlife, I see how important it is to care for ourselves, while keeping perspective on how others feel. That is a tough one for most of us! The intention is to understand and empathize with others, without having it change the way we feel. That’s the part of self care that is most important, because THAT is the end game that leads to an authentically happy life.
Isn’t that what you want?
I don’t have to run you over in order to prove I believe in myself. I can just believe in myself. Even more important though, is accepting that others will have feelings and beliefs that are different. And even when we can’t understand or relate to those differences, we can find a way to accept them as they are. I mean, why do we fight so hard when we don’t agree on a topic or an idea? Why do we feel we must convert others to think the way we do? And why on earth would we then go down the rabbit hole of disappointment and upset because we can’t change the way someone else thinks?
The way we think is independent of the way others think. It doesn’t matter how close you are to that particular person, with that particular mindset. There is no special clause that says only certain people can think differently. Under all circumstances, we can just think differently.
Naturally there will be moments we yearn to explain the stance we are in, hopeful that someone might be enlightened by that place and want to stand with us. But the intention should not be placed on changing someone else’s position. Instead, perhaps we can find comfort in people having the right to think as they do…if you can believe that for others, you can believe that for yourself as well!
That might be a lot to process, but let me summarize this concept. On any topic, I actually do care about the way you think. However, I believe that the sweet spot in living an authentically happy life is in allowing myself to feel how I feel, and allowing you to do the same.
And that’s why I’ll leave you with this: I actually do care, it’s just that I don’t mind. And in the words of my wise son, who has taught me many important lessons: “You do you and I’ll do me.”
That’s actually pretty freeing. Try it out…