Is the Clean Slate Overwhelming?
I can’t believe it is the 2nd day of 2023 and I haven’t wrapped up the year in one neat box of words, nor even prepared myself and maybe you (?) for all the great gifts that lie ahead of us in this new year. I really can’t believe it. I mean, I can’t even remember a time in the past decade that this has happened and that alone, has me thinking. Wondering if maybe I am or have been avoiding something. Clearly I am the one that loves a clean slate more than many, so why the delay on my perspective of out with the old and in with the new?
I am not in despair, not injured, and have my family all intact for today, surrounded by some joyful friends and so much love. In fact, everything I have ever wanted, is right here at my fingertips, in a life that I carefully craft each morning when I awake.
So then why do I feel like I’m in a silent transitional state of mind?
I actually do have a lot to say about this past year. A lot! There was more magic in this past year than I can recall in decades. I watched my table of six family, slowly transform into a table of eight. Safety in numbers remaining a favorite tagline of mine. I relished in the gift of walking my oldest son down the aisle. Feeling relieved that we had modeled love in a positive way, even through divorce. Created a circle of new friends who bring peace and serenity to my everyday life. Witnessed another child of ours graduate from college and fall into a job he loves. Finished another book. Hit almost a thousand listens on my podcast. And wrote and wrote and wrote. Keeping my head clear with new perspectives while hopefully offering others the same. I even almost made it free and clear of Covid for until just a few weeks ago. Yet even that, thanks to modern medicine, was uneventful.
I can’t wait to see how 2023 unfolds!
Like I said, there is plenty of good to reflect on. Yet still, I could feel a slight yearning this year, to tip toe into the New Year and slide quietly into base. You know, home base. That place you tag and say, Safe!
Maybe covid shook me a little more than I want to admit. I mean, I figured if you could make it almost 3 years without it, you probably weren’t going to get it. But I think there was more to it than that. I did have mild symptoms, and a quick recovery, but wasn’t prepared for the aftermath that made my footing a bit unsteady. I experienced brain fog for almost 2 weeks, unable to remember the simplest of things, even after writing them down, and was overwhelmed by the amount of energy it took for me to focus behind the wheel, even on a short trip to the food store.
These weren’t just surprising experiences; they were experiences that reminded me of what it feels like to have little control. And while I practice this (lack of control) principle extensively in my life, I rarely anticipate what it would feel like in areas I normally control with ease.
To make matters worse, just as I was beginning to give myself grace (while healing), vertigo showed up. While this was not my first rodeo with vertigo, this time felt like confirmation of having lost my grip on reality.
I mean, with brain fog, you can still think and see, it’s just not as clear. It reminded me of how i often feel when wearing contacts. Desperately attempting to find clarity through the dry lens in my eye, rather than putting on glasses that help everything come into focus. Yet when the walls around begin to spin, and the floor beneath you is no longer steady, you cannot resist what persists. You cannot just plow through. You cannot simply ignore it and choose the blurry route. Instead, you need to regroup and do it differently.
And in this case, doing it differently meant that instead of my mind being open to all the perspectives around, I had to keep my eyes on the horizon. Now, if you have never had vertigo, this might sound strange, but if you have, you know this concept to be true.
The way to keep yourself steady, is to literally think in terms of keeping your nose up and your eyes on the horizon. You do not quickly look over your shoulder to see what is behind you. You do not look down quickly at your phone to see who is texting. You look straight ahead. Eyes in front as we used to tell the kindergarten line in school. If your eyes are in front, and no quick moves are made, you can stay upright and steady.
Eventually this episode passes, but the problem is that you don’t really have a way to know when that will happen. There is no obvious signal. There are no clues about when it will be safe to look any way besides front. And so that is what you do. Like a mandatory sentence. Eyes in front.
It feels scary and awful. It makes you feel unsteady like walking on the cliff of a mountain all day long. But you just keep at it. Eyes in front. And eventually you convince yourself that maybe this is actually alright. That maybe all of that looking around is just a distraction from what matters most. That maybe we can get a new perspective even from what is just out in front. That what is coming at us, or what is coming next, is really the main point of life in general.
I mean, it is nice to glance in the rear-view mirror once in a while to see where we have come from, but perhaps we give that a little too much weight some times. It’s good to remember where we came from, but where we are going next, is to truly experience life on life’s terms.
I can surely admit to being human like everyone else. And maybe that is the most important part of my sharing in these blogs/podcasts. To be able to identify that even while everything may seem on paper exactly the way I want it, there are things too, that I fear coming at me in the new year as well. Things beyond my control. Things that I can’t stop from happening, even while looking straight ahead at a clean and very blank slate.
And so perhaps that is why I got into bed easily at 10pm on New Years Eve, not needing the ball to drop in front of me to know that the new year was coming. Maybe the idea of the blank slate was overwhelming, or maybe, just maybe, I was actually tired. Someone else might have misread my actions or lack of excitement over New Years Eve, and maybe I could even buy into it. But I choose not to because how we view our own life and what we do with it, is just our choice. And once I make a choice, it helps to find contentment in that choice, so that I can actually enjoy it…rather than belittle it. Because the truth is, that I am very tired at 10pm. New Years Eve or not. So maybe I haven’t been avoiding anything, but instead taking the time to rest, because I have been so tired.
What is the story you are telling yourself, about what you have been doing, or what you should be doing, or why you haven’t done all the things? What if it isn’t at all about the clean slate that lies ahead? What if the overwhelm is simply a consequence of looking everywhere but forward?
Let’s try on one more glance in the rear-view mirror, acknowledge where we have been, and then keep our focus (and eyes) right out front. Then we can inhale deeply and imagine the possibilities that this new year has in store for us.
No more tiptoeing. Let’s get centered with our eyes in front and let’s do this.