Feeling Misplaced?
There is a common theme in the air lately that I have been trying to untangle. People are not feeling lost, just misplaced. They know where they are, either at work or at home working from home or in transport from one place to another. But still, the lines are a bit blurred. Is that a vacation you just had in Florida, or was that a work from home too? Were you basking in the sun, or were those just snippets of work breaks? Was it restful or was it productive?
Sometimes the place you are used to is not the place you belong.
We have a lot of questions, yet few answers, even three years post pandemic. So what, right? We are just trying to adjust and roll with the changes as we go, or so it seems. Yet people are still struggling and seem to be at a loss at how to fix it.
March 2020. A shiver runs up my back anytime I see that date mentioned. How could that have been 3 years ago, when I remember it so vividly? How did time adjust itself on auto pilot when it felt like it was moving in slow motion? I can’t wrap my head around it and am certain that I’m not alone.
Three years.
Today I walked into CVS, as I usually do a few times a week, just to check in. Since we live walking distance from CVS it became the one place we could frequent, even during lockdown. The right place to go for medication, but also if you needed some candy or a bag of popcorn, and even to browse the makeup section, regardless of the fact that we had no where to go. Today, though, I walked past the front counter and notice (maybe just my first time noticing) that the shelves were NOT stacked with covid tests and then became concerned, even though I didn’t need one.
But where have they put them? Do they still sell them?
It reminded me that I am still living in the just in case, mode. In case of emergency, know where your exits are, know where the flashlight is, the candle and lighter too. And also, asking for a friend, where are the covid tests?
That shelf that once had 100 tests neatly stacked on 4 different shelves, now was home for Easter candy and toys, so I decided to settle into the space that maybe I needed the reminder that Easter was on its’ way. And on I went to the pharmacy. As I round the corner, I can feel my feet freeze into the space. Surprised at the sight…of what I was seeing and not seeing.
Where are the plastic barriers? Was there a general announcement I had missed? I didn’t have my mask on, but there were still supposed to be barriers of some sort, right? More importantly, what exactly was I worried about? I don’t know, but was beginning to see that returning to normal, might not be all we need to actually feel normal.
This feeling reminds me of being a teacher during shooter drills. The practice lockdown, police rattling the door handle to check for unlocked doors, people trying to peak in the window to see if we were well hidden…and then finally, after what felt like hours, the announcement that this was just a drill and that we could go back to our normal day.
I never understood how to do that. That transition from, am I equipped to save these beautiful children, to okay now let’s get back to that spelling test. I always wanted to just lie down and take a nap after that. Maybe we could let the kids go home for the day. I had the sense we had proven that we could survive, felt like we had survived, and should be rewarded with some quiet gratitude.
But no, we just went back to work like normal, the best we could. There were no other options to choose from, so we chose the one they gave, back to work.
Post pandemic is beginning to smell the same to me.
Everyone knows what people have lived through in the past 3 years, as well as how unsuspecting we were in March 2020. We were just going to do our thing for a few days, and then get back to it. Life, that is. And we finally got it. The complete green light to carry on with this life as we know it.
Yet there is still so much struggle. Jobs and relationships that we once tolerated, because it was all we knew, suddenly feel intolerable. We find ourselves questioning how we ever agreed to this commute, this lack of communication, this condescending way of being spoken to. We are left wondering why we thought working 60 hours a week was reasonable. Why we spent more time in relationships with people at work, than the relationships in our own family circle.
We can’t seem to shake this feeling that we have somehow been misplaced. A little like your missing keys. The ones that had to be in the house somewhere. The ones that you always put back into the same spot. The ones that couldn’t be lost but are nowhere in sight.
A little like you now. Not exactly lost but waiting to be found.
So maybe it helps to know you are not alone. Maybe it helps to hear that it is okay to give yourself a moment of two of grace.
After the practice drills in school, I was not the teacher to get back to finish spelling. I was the teacher that gave everyone a hug, and then had everyone form a circle so we could regroup, connect and take some time to process what had happened, how it felt, and what it would like moving forward. And that worked. We didn’t have a set time for this regrouping, we let it take the time it took to get back to square one. Like that square you were standing in 3 years ago when they said, okay, we are going to need to pause life as we know it.
From my view, we all did the best we could with what little cryptic information we had. Considering it was unchartered territory, we did alright, leaning in the best we could to the next thing being offered.
The only problem I can really see in hindsight is the way it ended. Has it ended? People are still getting it, people are still landing in the hospital, pregnant mamas are currently dying from this virus. I had 4 vaccines, am I supposed to get vaccinated again? I don’t know. I just know that the CVS plastic walls are gone, so that must mean we are back to normal. Or square one. Yet we hardly recognize ourselves on this square, because we are not the same as we once were. We have seen and experienced things that we cannot unsee and now that we are back there, many things don’t feel normal at all.
So what should we do with this feeling that we are misplaced?
If I were your classroom teacher, and maybe for a minute I can be, here is what I would have done right before the plastic walls came down. I would have forced someone to give us a specific time period that they believed the plastic wall would no longer stand between us and them. I would have sent out a memo in advance about this timeline and gave some clear instructions.
Maybe it would have gone something like this:
* In 2 weeks we will be going back to the life we had in 2020, in the same bus and the same seat. Some of the people around you may have changed, and some will be the same but may not act as you remember.
* Take this time now to make sure you actually enjoyed the bus you were riding on and that those around you are the people you now want to be surrounded by.
* Be patient with your new self and dig deep to find what truly makes you happy and how you want to spend your days and life.
* Know that normal, may not feel normal for a while and may feel like it once did. Give yourself time to adjust if you choose to go back to the same ride as before.
* If you feel intuitively that the old bus is not the ride for you, be diligent in the next 2 weeks and find another ride. One that accommodates who you are now, in response to the pandemic of 2020.
The misplaced keys are always in the last place you look, so keep checking the corners of your mind and you will surely find yourself. The one you have been looking for. The one that might be dressed differently, but has the same heart and soul. Most importantly, take your time with this one and be kind to yourself. It has surely been one very long bumpy ride.